Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Back on track

After quite a difficult few months for me, I finally feel like I'm back on track with what I want to do. I am still very unsure as to what I want to do with my life but I am not fretting as much as I once did. After finishing my first year of my new course at university I can honestly say that I am so much happier than I was last year. Yes, there are still many things I find difficult but the main thing is - I am more interest in my course. It inspires me and motivates me to want to go out and do things. I never had that with Biology. I have made some fantastic friends on my course this year which is another thing I never really had the chance to do last year.

Now that I finally feel like I know how to look after myself, and that if things don't go to plan the first time - don't worry. Everything will work out in the end. After really quite a depressing time for me during April, it feels good to say that it has been a long time since I cried everyday. The day I broke down and opened up to my Dad and told him everything will be a day I never forget. I'd never really shared anything with my Dad about my emotions until that day. And we have been closer ever since.

As well as being happier with my course, I am also trying hard to stay fit and healthy and I find myself enjoying it. I actually miss the gym now I'm back home. I'm incredibly excited to move into our beautiful flat in September and start back at university already. But in the mean time I'm making the best of the summer even though I'm working a lot. An incredible two weeks in France with the girls was a cracking start to my summer. I came home with sore abs from laughing. What a beautifully chilled time we had out there. Our house in which our family collectively have worked on for so many years means the world to my cousin and I, and I think all the girls really noticed that. It feels more like home there than home does. Miss you everyday Grandad, and I know Nanna does to. 

But the one thing I feel like I'm missing in my life now is someone to share it with. I want somebody to explore the world with, to travel and see as much as we possibly can. To go to festivals with me and share my love for music. To become a film buff with me. To read newspapers with and to go to art galleries with. To go out for dinner with or coffee with. To share my love of fashion and creativity with. To laugh with and to snuggle with on lazy Sunday mornings.

I've never exactly been in a serious long-term relationship before - I've tried but it has never worked out and to be honest I don't think I've ever been ready for one. I've always liked my own space and found it difficult to let anybody in to my life. But I feel like I'm ready for it now. At the risk of sounding quite pathetic - I feel lonely. I have the most wonderful friends, who are always there to make me laugh and feel happy. But that doesn't fill the gap that has slowly crept up on me in my life.