Back on track

After quite a difficult few months for me, I finally feel like I'm back on track with what I want to do. I am still very unsure as to what I want to do with my life but I am not fretting as much as I once did. After finishing my first year of my new course at university I can honestly say that I am so much happier than I was last year. Yes, there are still many things I find difficult but the main thing is - I am more interest in my course. It inspires me and motivates me to want to go out and do things. I never had that with Biology. I have made some fantastic friends on my course this year which is another thing I never really had the chance to do last year.

Now that I finally feel like I know how to look after myself, and that if things don't go to plan the first time - don't worry. Everything will work out in the end. After really quite a depressing time for me during April, it feels good to say that it has been a long time since I cried everyday. The day I broke down and opened up to my Dad and told him everything will be a day I never forget. I'd never really shared anything with my Dad about my emotions until that day. And we have been closer ever since.

As well as being happier with my course, I am also trying hard to stay fit and healthy and I find myself enjoying it. I actually miss the gym now I'm back home. I'm incredibly excited to move into our beautiful flat in September and start back at university already. But in the mean time I'm making the best of the summer even though I'm working a lot. An incredible two weeks in France with the girls was a cracking start to my summer. I came home with sore abs from laughing. What a beautifully chilled time we had out there. Our house in which our family collectively have worked on for so many years means the world to my cousin and I, and I think all the girls really noticed that. It feels more like home there than home does. Miss you everyday Grandad, and I know Nanna does to. 

But the one thing I feel like I'm missing in my life now is someone to share it with. I want somebody to explore the world with, to travel and see as much as we possibly can. To go to festivals with me and share my love for music. To become a film buff with me. To read newspapers with and to go to art galleries with. To go out for dinner with or coffee with. To share my love of fashion and creativity with. To laugh with and to snuggle with on lazy Sunday mornings.

I've never exactly been in a serious long-term relationship before - I've tried but it has never worked out and to be honest I don't think I've ever been ready for one. I've always liked my own space and found it difficult to let anybody in to my life. But I feel like I'm ready for it now. At the risk of sounding quite pathetic - I feel lonely. I have the most wonderful friends, who are always there to make me laugh and feel happy. But that doesn't fill the gap that has slowly crept up on me in my life.

A relaxing and (kind of) cultured weekend

This has been the first weekend in quite a long time where I have felt truly inspired. I left for my dad's house yesterday lunch time and enjoyed the walk to the bus stop in the very welcome sunshine. with still quite a chill in the air and the sound of Adele in my ears I walked down in town, eager for a night away from my student digs.

On arrival at my dad's I was offered a cup of tea and lunch almost instantly (oh he knows me well) and we sat and chatted between mouthfuls of chicken, hummus, spinach and tomato wraps. Yesterday afternoon turned into quite a lazy one which was just what I needed. For dinner, my dad being the astounding chef that he is, decided to knock up some tapas from scratch. He made four dishes: patatas bravas (potatoes in a garlic tomato sauce topped with the crispiest bits of bacon ever), garlic prawns and chorizo in a red wine and onion sauce, cheese and potato croquettes and the zingiest tuna, avocado and salad bean salad dressed with olive oil and lime. Served with a hot ciabatta, feta and olives. Everything was truly delicious.

After eaten my own body weight in Spanish food, I had the most relaxing bath with far too many bubbles, candles and music (yet more Adele). Following a long chill out and a good sing, I snuggled on the sofa with a cosy blanket to watch Knight and Day which I actually really enjoyed. I love Cameron Diaz in pretty much anything, and the great balance between action, humour and romance made it well worth a watch! I managed to just about keep my tired little eyes awake right till the end and then headed to bed with a hot water bottle.

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed and happy at the sight of clear blue skies once again. We headed out for a walk around the most beautiful reservoir just a short drive from my dad's house. Kitted out in windbreakers and walking boots we strayed off track and headed through some seriously boggy fields which was hard work but good fun. We also passed by the set of the British soap Emmerdale, I would have taken photos had I taken my phone with me but I was having an 'unplugged' day.

Two hours later we were tired, hungry and ready for home. We got back and dad the most perfect bacon and mushroom sandwiches in toasted ciabatta (yum). We then pigged out on homemade flapjack, Maltesers and endless cups of tea whilst curled up watching Inglorious Basterds. This was another film that had been on my to watch list ever since it came out, but had still never watched it. I watched Django a couple of weeks back and thought it was equally as brilliant! I then did some seminar work for university to make me feel better about my lack of work over the weekend. Oh well.
We then had a homemade chicken curry with sag aloo and naan breads. Another beautiful feast made by my dad - I wish I could live with him forever! After we let that settle I got a lift home and here I am now. A wonderful weekend!

How was your weekend? Did you get up to anything interesting? xo

Refreshed and relaxed

I'll start by saying happy new year to you all, I hope you all enjoyed celebrating! I stayed in and looked after two of nieces who are precious little angels. I've haven't made any new years resolutions as such this year, as I started making changes in my life about three weeks ago. I see no need to wait until a new year begins to make changes, if you want to change something in your life, do it now. Time is too precious to wait.

So anyway, this morning was a beautifully sunny morning so I set out for a long walk. I find walk so cleansing and relaxing, it gives me time to clear my mind. On my walk I saw a robin, which sadly happened to be the only one I've seen this winter. I stopped still to try and take a discreet photograph but the little chap was too busy bopping around so I simply stood and watched him peacefully until he eventually flew off. Such a beautiful little creature. I also met an old man out walking his cute little dog, who was carrying a newspaper in its mouth. I found this so endearing to see such a friendship between a man and a dog.

This post doesn't have any real meaning or point but I just felt like I wanted to write. And sometimes I don't find it easy to write or blog. But it is walks like the one I had this morning that really inspire me to be creative and become the person that I truly want to be. By concentrating on my mental and physical health, hopefully I will blog more this year. All the best to you, Emily xoxo

2013, the year of me

Things are going to change in the new year. Things are already beginning to change. 2013 is going to be focusing on me. On what I want. On my work, my health and my happiness. Since started out at university I have noticed a rapid decrease in my health and fitness and I really need to change that. Being healthy is so important, and I have taken my health for granted over the past year and a half. And now I'm suffering, and regret it massively. I need to work for what I want. And work hard.

We all learn from our mistakes

This time last year I had no clue what the following year would hold for me. My first year away from home, making new friends and taking a big leap closer to becoming an independent adult. I've made a lot of mistakes this year. Mistakes in relationships, friendships and above all, my chosen career path. It has been a tough year for me, right from the very beginning. By the start of October, I'd already made a mess of the first relationship I ever felt totally comfortable and happy in. And I couldn't properly forgive myself until months later. I also made a mess of what could have been a proper friendship with someone, instead of whatever you would call what we have now. I tried to change things on several occasion, trust me I have, but it hasn't made much difference. Anyway, I'm not going to go into detail about this because that isn't what I want to focus on.

The biggest mistake I made this year was choosing the wrong course. I have spent the past year pretending to be interested in something my heart was never really in. In May this year I eventually admitted this to myself. And I cried. A lot. All I felt was disappointment in myself and I lost all my inspiration and motivation. I felt I had let my dad down as I knew he wanted me to do so well. I had done well throughout my academic life up until now. What happened?

After spending pretty much an entire week in a very low place I knew something had to change. Okay, I'd made the wrong decision. But it hadn't been a wasted year by any means. I'd made some incredible friends from all over the UK and shared some amazing memories with them. I'd learnt how to look after myself without that protective bubble I had become so happily wrapped in at home. So what did it matter if I changed courses? I'd be a year behind all my friends, is that really such a big problem? No.

And now, after many weeks of research and discussions with my close friends and family, I'm changing courses to something that I really WANT to do. Not something I THINK I should do. And I can not wait. I learnt from my mistake.

I now speak occasionally with the person I messed things up with last year. Time has healed as always, and we now make jokes like old friends. I have also recently met someone who makes me happy. It is very early days and I am not thinking of the future just yet, but baby steps are being made. And if it does come to that point, I now know what it is to truly be in a relationship. I learnt from that mistake too.

End of an era

I can not believe that I've done it, I've finished my first year of university. And despite the struggles I've had through out the year, (and I know I'm not alone with this) I can honestly that it has been the best year of my life so far. I've learnt so many valuable life skills, met some amazing people, and had a whale of a time along the way. The entire year has flown by, and now I'm sad to be back home once again. It was hard saying goodbye to my amazing halls of residence that has been my home for the past year, despite the fact I will still see most of the people I have been living with (I hope!). My halls were not your generic high rise building looking all minimalistic and basic. I was lucky enough to be staying in, what can only be described as a old manor house. It was set into six flats, making up almost 50 students in total, along with a beautiful large common room which hosted many pre-drink parties as well as film nights and random games of procrastination during exam period. After making such great friends, I really really hope that as a house, we stay in touch. But now with a few months at home to hopefully try and get back into some sort of shape, all I can say is roll on second year!

Time for change - a note to myself

Let go. Truly let go. Breathe in, breathe out. Close that corner of your mind, lock it away forever. Don't deny it ever happened, because it did. And it was beautiful while it lasted. But it didn't. Acceptance of that. Acceptance. Move on. Remember him, but don't think about him. He's with somebody else now, what more closure do you need. Move on with your life. Discover new things. Look after yourself. You only get one life. Live for every moment. Be strong and take risks. Cherish everything. Make this the best summer of your life. Every day is a new day to new things. Make mistakes, don't worry. No regrets.